Year end recap

2015 has been such an interesting year, a powerful year, and at the end looking back, a year of tremendous growth. Last year at this time, I had a strong inner message, which is challenging to explain. Suffice it to say I listened, and the message I received was this:  

"wait. be calm. be open. release control. trust the process. just trust"

So I chose the word Trust for my guide word for 2015. And Trust was my mantra for the entire year. When I didn't know what to do, I just waited and I trusted. When things were powerfully tough, I prayed for guidance. And because control is hard for me to release, I prayed a lot. I began praying very specific prayers. I mean I told my Higher Power exactly what I needed, laid out like a text book. Lol, well, a short text book. Really, one can only take so much, right? Even Higher Powers.

When things fall apart, it is normal and natural to grab on and hold as tight as possible to what was.... "What was normal? Give me that back! What used to feel right? I am gonna need that now like my life depends on it. This new reality? Oh man, it sucks BIG TIME. Can I do this? Nope. No, really, I can't."

But, guess what? We can. We can look this new reality in the face. Even though it's the shits... it's real, it's life, and we are living it. Today, we may need to lay low, and even tomorrow too. But eventually, I am gonna need to pick myself up, and look at myself in the mirror. I am gonna have to acknowledge those new lines around my eyes, and the fact that I have cried myself a hundred tears. I am gonna have to take things slow, and give myself grace, treat myself with the sort of kindness I'd use to treat a tiny baby bird. Because when our soul goes through a thrashing, and we find we are in a million shattered pieces, we are the only ones who can pull ourselves back together again. And the first step in doing this is to look at what the heck is really going on - with wide open eyes.

Trust took me in and took me deep. Deep to myself, to my core. And I soon realized that I could do this. I could trust myself to know what to do in the darkness. I could guide myself and family towards a better way, towards a brighter path. But I could never have began properly without establishing an inner relationship with Trust... in my HP, trust in myself, and learn to release the need to control. Whew. It's been a big lesson for me.

And about those specific prayers.... They have been answered in very big, very evident ways. Ways that have blown my mind, and ways that show me my HP is listening to me carefully and closely. So, yeah. Me and my HP, we have reconnected on the basis of Trust. It is so, so very good!

Happy New Year to you and yours. I will be back to let you know what my word and intention is for 2016. It is formulating, I can feel it. And I know it's going to be another awesome year! For me, my husband and both my sons. I can feel it in my bones :o)

PS. And that last post I wrote six months ago? I look at things differently now. I think my husband and I are pretty dang great parents. And we are doing the best we can raising our two boys. The main thing is learning to take care of yourself first. Then, things do actually magically fall into place. Funny how that works.

New Year, New You

Happy New Year!  

Wow, 2015. Time sure flies when you're having fun. And even when you're not, it manages to pass by, day into day, night into sleepless night...

My nights have been pretty sleepless lately, but I've been using the wee hours to try to bring focus and goodness into my head and heart, and not allow myself to be consumed by grief, worry, and thoughts built of obstacles. It's a process, and I find it takes focus and lots of practice. 

Which leads me to an important intention: my word for the new year.

My word for 2015 is going to be Trust. 

I have already been practicing Trust a lot. So, at least I don't feel like this is a new ball game. But I am going to intentionalize Trust. (Is that even a word??!) I'm going to take Trust even deeper into my heart, I am going to wear Trust like a cold winter coat, and wrap it around me extra tight. I'm going to bundle up with Trust the first minute I wake in the morning, and I'm going to pull it over me when I get into bed at night.  And in the middle of the night, when all seems dark and cold, Trust is going to make it all ok. I just know it will. I'm going to Trust the process... Trust that my goals, projects, and directional paths will be shown, that I recognize them when they show their faces to me, and TRUST that I will know intuitively how to navigate the pathways that I find myself on. 

And, as I continue to Trust, goodness pours forth... just like the wings of a bird...

More of my needle felted goodness can be found over in the Studio

Happy New Year, Happy new you, Happy new me. I'm Trusting it!

xx

Ordered chaos

Before I was fully prepared for it, I found myself back in the thick of things... The release date was finally upon us and he was coming home. We took ourselves to the school office and he said he had to use the bathroom. After a few very long minutes, we searched, and realized he was nowhere to be found. He had never done this before, but he was back in his familiar territory, and he'd run. What now??? Days passed, and we finally located him. He was as sick as a dog. He'd been with his old "friends" and had been shooting up heroin. What the heck??? Heroin? He'd never done this before either. I sat up with a start, covered in sweat, and realized it had all been a dream. -A Horrible Dream, but thank God. It was only a dream...

How do we make our way through the chaos? How do we find order, and sanity when everything is turned upside-down? I am certain that, in a day or in a year, I will have a grave case of PTSD over what I am experiencing right now. What will get me through this? How will I be able to deal with situations, thoughts, and dreams that paralyze me with fear and worry?

As advised by the very Epic Honey Badger, Pernille Kraus, CAADAC RS;

"Once we take the focus off the out of control teen, we can get ordered chaos. As long as we are focusing on them, it's wrangling squirrels and reacting. When we pull back and focus on our own process, we get out of their tornado and can respond without emotion dictating the show."

How do we do that? "Pull back and focus on our own process" What is this and how do I do it?

All I know is that I am exhausted. All my worrying, questioning, and relentless searching for answers has taken me nowhere good. It has hijacked my mind and shaken my resolve. It makes it so I cannot focus, and am certain it is the thing that is in charge of my nightmares. And so today, finally, I realized I am done. In being done, I have said this:  

"Here God. I'll give this to you to deal with. Take it. I have no answers. It is all up to you. What will be, will be."

For I am flawed, full of self-doubt, fearful, impatient and anxious... as much as I would like to NOT be. I must find the courage to put one foot in front of the other in order to reach my goal, and the goals of our family. My faith will sustain me on this; my journey. And I will trust in God that He will see the good and truth in our actions, and will assure us that the ones who are doing us wrong will turn around, and do the right thing. I leave this in His hands, and trust it will all work out, as it rightfully will, in the end.

There are no answers. There is only Trust. Trust that He will help make order out of the chaos. Give the control away, and see how it feels. Today, the load is lifted off my shoulders. And that is a very good thing...