Challenge fear

Yesterday I was fearful. Today I got answers. Now my path is clear, and I can continue moving forward.

I received a phone call yesterday afternoon that caused the pit of worry in my stomach to bubble and boil. By the time evening came around, I was fairly paralyzed by this, but I focused on staying present. So, I sat with the fear. I looked at it sternly, and told it it wasn't going to own me. I reassured myself that I had come through worse things before, and I would come through this one too.  

Life is funny like that. Life throws us curveballs when we least expect it. The trick is in knowing how to respond to the curve. 

For me, staying calm is a necessity. If I become anxious, the planning part of my mind seems to shut down, and I let that tornado of emotion and fear ruin my sanity. Really... who has time for that? When things are going south, and fast, the time to stay sane and grounded is now.

Here's a look at my fear checklist:

 - Listen carefully to what's being told to me. Stop and ask questions in order to get the full scope of what's being said. Make sure to ask if I can call them back should I have further questions later on. Get their phone number if I need to.

 - Allow to feel the emotions that wash over me. Acknowledge that I am fearful, or angry, or whatever the emotion is I'm feeling. Recognize the symptoms my body is eliciting. Accept this, and tell myself this is normal.

 - Tell myself I have nothing to lose by waiting to take action until the morning (when possible).

 - Get a good night sleep, which often involves Tylonal PM. I am not too proud to admit this :o) Nothing good comes from waking up at 3am and lying awake steeped in worry for half the night.

 - In the morning, I often have a very good and workable plan of action. 

 - As soon as possible, put those plans in order. Make those phone calls in a calm, clear manner, and be thankful that the good nights sleep is serving you well. And, that the answers you are getting are a direct result from carefully following these very necessary steps you've taken. Now, there is a new plan of action.

My relief is an amazing feeling! I realize how much I've grown in all of this. And that is a very good thing.

Don't let our country go to pot

I am very concerned that the collective consciousness in our society today seems to be one that supports the legalization of marijuana. It seems this level of acceptance is rampant across many different factions of society; a variety of age ranges, different levels of education, and various positions of stature within society. In fact, I was listening to NPR last week, and heard a very antiquated sounding congressman (he had an "old man" wobbly sounding voice, I'm sure you've heard this) speaking of the needs for our government to finally legalize marijuana, that marijuana should be given the same standards as were used to legalize alcohol. Two states have already legalized marijuana, and boast in the news headlines how their state is "finally getting out of debt", they are making so much money from sales tax on marijuana.

It's funny, but the only people that I have spoken to who are adamantly against the legalization of marijuana are the family members of alcoholics, addicts, and family members of those suffering from mental illness.

If every person in the United States who is in favor of legalizing marijuana had an addicted or mentally ill family member who they love and care for turn to marijuana for a life coping skill, they might think differently about how marijuana impacts our society. Please try for a moment to put yourself into this scenario: If your loved one (your teen son or daughter, or your college aged cousin, niece or nephew, or your husband or wife) started out by occasionally smoking pot, then began to abuse marijuana where they begin checking out of life by not doing anything EXCEPT staying in their room and smoking marijuana, you may become alarmed. If you tried to help your loved one by getting them into a drug treatment program, and even drug tested them, and you stand by helplessly as your loved one turns to harder drugs, because those drugs don't show up as easily on a drug screen. Now, maybe your loved one, who was always such a great person, regularly lies to you. You feel like you are losing touch with them. (What is happening???) Now your loved one is dealing with shame, humiliation and depression, because that is what happens to the brain when people abuse drugs. You stand by helplessly and watch your loved one fall into a hopeless pit that is now governed by a drug addiction and a newly diagnosed mental illness. Your loved one may fall apart emotionally, mentally, they may leave home, steal from you, even turn on you like they never knew you. Where has the person you love disappeared to?? You feel so helpless as you stand by. They may attempt suicide, they may kill someone. They may kill you.

This may sound drastic, but it happens every single day in our society.

Many of these situations started out with the victim just "trying a little pot". Many teens buy pot from someone walking straight out of a "medical marijuana" clinic. That card carrying person is using the medical marijuana "system" to flat out deal drugs. Legalizing pot will do nothing about keeping it out of the hands (bongs) of those suffering from addiction. Legalizing pot will just allow our society to rationalize another situation that will likely deal a catastrophic blow to our youth, and those who struggle with addiction and mental illness.

And, BTW, pot is a gateway drug. Yes, pot changes the brain's chemistry by tricking the brain into wanting more of the drug, to keep getting high, to check out so one doesn't have to face the mayhem his/her behavior is causing. Yes, people develop the desire for a more intense high, and they will move from smoking pot to other drugs.

There are a few other causes for alarm due to the legalization of marijuana that I would like to mention.

1. Do you recall in the second half of the 20th century, most college attendees were young men? Now, consider the statistics for college attendance for American males vs. females. Roughly 60% of American college applicants and attendees are young American women now, as compared to young American males. Dropping out of both two and four year colleges, compared with not dropping out, will be associated with higher rates of substance used in adolescence, greater increases in use during the transition to college, and increases in marijuana use… in the post high school period. More info on this can be found here and here.
2. Marijuana use in teens cause a significant, irreparable drop in IQ. Teens who begin using marijuana before the age of 18, and before the brain is fully developed are more vulnerable to damage from drug use. Please reference these important facts in a 2012 study out of Duke University, which can be found here. I can verify this fact first hand. My son, at age 13, had an IQ of 127, as measured on a set of intellectual tests administered by his school district. Last summer, after another set of intellectual tests administered by a well known neuropsychiatrist, his IQ measured at 97. That is a FULL 20 POINT reduction in IQ.
3. Risk seeking behavior in the teen years coupled with drug use lead to delays in the transition to adulthood. Young men are said to be closer to the ages of 25-28 years before they successfully transition out of the parental home, marrying and starting a family.  Research shows that neurological changes due to drug use and deviant behavior explain some of the increased risk taking and sensation seeking in adolescence, and that the brain functions regulating emotions and self-control may be late in developing relative to cognitive functions. Read more here.   

(Note: I would also like to point out, for anyone who may be reading this and might suggest my son's brain problems may be due to excessive drug use, that his brain disorder was in place at his birth. Just so the "powers that be" are reminded that his educational testing showed discrepancies that were evident in early testing administered during his elementary school years.)

Thank you for listening. I welcome all comments, however, please do not go all "high and mighty" on me regarding the legalization of marijuana unless you are dealing with an addicted or mentally ill family member. And even then, I may not agree with you. But I do listen, and am generally very reasonable.

Another notch in the mom belt

Well, I say you can try to put a worried mother down, you can try to get her out of the way, you can try to put a ton of obstacles in her way, but no matter what you do, there is absolutely no way to stop her.

Rather, there is no stopping me.

In all reality, any child oriented business that wants true and lasting results should find a mom who cares deeply about their cause due to what her child is going through, and they should hire that mom. They should pay her the best money they can afford. Then, step back, and watch the results. Cause, that mom, she will get results. Yep. She will.

My latest notch in the "mom belt" happened yesterday. Exactly 18 years from the day my son was born. I didn't give my son a big birthday party. I didn't give him a car, or an expensive trip abroad. What I gave him was the gift of Guardianship. And, even though my son felt defeated, and probably a part of him felt like he is still in "jail" because he needs to stay in a structured program for a while longer, it is a huge win for our family, AND it is an incredible gift for our son. It allows us to buy more time to allow his brain to mature and heal, for him to continue to recover from the harm caused by his hands, and by the way his brain works that he cannot control. More time for the medication we started him on a year ago to allow his brain to make the necessary connections so he can realize his true potential. Yep, this mom knows best.

Guardianship of a person is not easy to get. I talked with lawyer after lawyer. I hounded every mental service group, and County Mental Health person I could get to speak to me on the phone. I called our local NAMI chapter and asked for referrals. I talked to therapists, psychiatrists, attended Depression support groups, got names, numbers... called departments, chapter presidents, PEOPLE. I told my son's story time and time again. I presented a mountain of evidence. I worked on this nonstop for months. Nobody said they could help me. Nada... nothing. I got nowhere.

And then I called the NAMI chapter in Texas, because that's where my son was located. And, finally, I was put in touch with a mom who is a lawyer, who has a brother and a son who suffer from mental illness, and she said the words I was desperate to hear. She said, "Yes, your son needs help, and yes, I will help you get a Guardianship for your son." And, that's what we did.

So, my son is not yet out of the woods. But today he is good. Today, he returned to the structured program where he did so well last year, and he will finish high school there. He will be allowed to mature in a therapeutic environment, with people who know him, love him, and will continue to support him in the way he needs to be supported. 

And today, my mom heart is so incredibly happy. 

xx

Val

Is drug addiction a mental illness?

Last night, I attended an Oscar party with a group of older women I don't know very well. I know the woman who hosted the party, but none of the others who were there. So this just means they don't know me, and my passion to fight the "addiction illness" fight. Because that's what I'm fighting for here, just so we're clear :o)

At the section of the Oscars where they mourn those who have passed away in the last year, the topic of conversation turned to the tragic passing of Philip Seymour Hoffman. One woman said, "He did it to himself." I couldn't help but to respond that drug addiction is a mental illness. He no more wanted to do that to himself (fatally overdose himself on a toxic combination of drugs), but he couldn't help NOT doing that to himself.

Is drug addiction a mental illness? Yes, it is. Habitual drug use leads to addiction, in that the drug changes the brain in fundamental ways. A person's normal hierarchy of needs and desires is disrupted, as the brain substitutes new priorities connected with obtaining and using the drug. The resulting compulsive behavior weakens the brain's ability to control impulses, even despite negative consequences. These are the same behaviors that are the hallmark of other mental illnesses.

When my son received a "dual diagnosis," (now referred to as a Co-occurring Disorder) I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. Soon, I came to understand that meant he was suffering from two mental disorders at the same time. In my sons case, he suffers from a major depressive disorder, and a drug use disorder. He also has a complex partial seizure disorder, Marfan's Syndrome, and a host of other problems due to the Terbutaline he was exposed to while in utero. But, the main focus of my concern today is the dual diagnosis, and how the depressive disorder and drug use disorder affect each other.

Comorbidity, (which by the way, is a terrible name. Couldn't they have chosen a less disturbing root word than 'morbid'?) is a term used to describe two or more disorders or illnesses occurring in the same person at the same time. They can occur at the same time, or one after the other. Comorbidity implies there are interactions between the illnesses that can worsen the course of both. For my son, this is a lethal situation. Though he knows he struggles with drug seeking behavior, and understands he has a depressive disorder, his brain is wired to seek the drug, even at the risk of his own demise. So, apparently, "comorbidity" is the perfect way to describe such a condition.

Although drug use disorders commonly occur with other mental illnesses, this does not mean that one caused the other, even if one appeared first. It is often difficult to distinguish which came first. Research shows that abusing drugs may bring about symptoms of another mental illness. Increased risk of psychosis in vulnerable marijuana users suggest this possibility. It may be that a person suffering from a depressive or other disorder seeks to self-medicate with drugs to temporarily relieve their symptoms, and their brain is quickly rewired towards addiction in the process. There are also shared risk factors such as predisposed genetic vulnerabilities that may make a person susceptible to both addiction and other mental disorders, or having a greater risk of a second disorder once the first appears.

There is also the concern that drug use disorders and other mental illnesses are developmental disorders. That means that they often begin in the teen years or even younger - periods where the brain experiences dramatic developmental changes. Early exposure to drugs of abuse may change the brain in ways that increase the risk for mental disorders. And, early symptoms for a mental disorder may indicate an increased risk for later drug use.

How does one treat this type of comorbidity? Treatment calls for a comprehensive approach that identifies and evaluates both disorders. Anyone seeking treatment for drug abuse/addiction or another mental disorder should be checked for both and treated accordingly. Several behavioral therapies have shown promise for treating comorbid conditions. These approaches can be tailored to patients according to age, specific drug abuses, and other factors. Some therapies have proved more effective for adolescents, while others have shown greater effectiveness for adults. Some are designed for families, and groups, others for individuals. Make sure to check with your health care professional to make sure they are familiar with treating addictive disorders.

Much of my information in this post came from NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) Information and Facts, which I learned in a Family to Family class I'm taking offered by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  For more information on these and other facts having to do with Comorbidity, addiction, and other mental disorders,  please visit the NIDA web page by clicking here.

How I went up against our insurance company twice, and won

If you knew me in person, you might think I can't "go up" against anyone. I'm nice like that. But when something goes wrong and it's not my fault, or when someone attempts harm on another that doesn't deserve it, well, I kind of boil up inside. 

So, when my insurance company - who will remain nameless for the sake of not wanting to be hand slapped (or worse), denied my son's treatment at his current RTC(Residential Treatment Center)... well, I boiled over. It kind of went like this:

1. I got the news from my son's treatment center that his care had been denied by our insurance company. Now this is a very big deal. Treatment at this center is approximately $15,000.00 per month. Yes, that's fifteen THOUSAND dollars PER MONTH. A month of treatment goes by remarkably fast. Now try paying that out of pocket.
2. I let the natural course of things take place by filing an appeal with my insurance company.
3. The appeal was also denied by said insurance company, so
4. I organized myself by compiling dates, facts, doctor's reports, anything I could get to support my son's cause, and 
5. I wrote a letter that felt like I was writing a term paper for my college "major". This time, it took me over a week to write this letter. When I did this last year, it took about 2 months. Okay, this isn't exactly my area of expertise.
6. And then I took that letter and all my supporting reports, and I reported my insurance company to the California Department of Insurance.

Once you report your insurance company to the Dept. of Insurance, they will review your case and the supporting information you send them, and determine if your case is eligible for an Independant Medical Review. If they determine it is, your case will be assigned to an impartial investigative reviewer who is an expert in their field. In my case, it was a board certified psychiatrist, actively practicing in his field, who also holds special certification in the areas of treatment under review. 

And, guess what? My appeal worked! The independent review determined that the services were and are medically necessary for treatment of my son's medical condition, AND the insurance company's denial of services will be overturned. Woop woop!

Even though I don't want my son to be someone who needs extensive care - in fact, I really just want him to be normal and healthy. BUT, if he must remain in extended care and treatment, he is entitled to the services we pay for through our insurance company. That this insurer denies necessary treatment for my son is appalling to me.

That any insurance company denies necessary treatment, or gives people the run around so they just give up, it makes my blood boil. It is just not right.

And I know this happens all the time. 

So, if this is something you are dealing with, I encourage you to take action now. Don't think it's impossible (that's how I used to think). Let me tell you that you can do this too. 

In fact, I have been successful not once, but twice. Last year's denial reversal amounted to an approximately $40,000 award towards our son's care!  

In an effort to help you out, I want to offer the following tips that might give you some guidance:

• Get super organized. Take over the kitchen table if you need to. Just start early enough so you can finish by dinner :o) Organize all your papers, letters, reports, denials, etc. Put them in a binder, or several binders in order of the dates, most recent first. Use post it note tabs to help label your papers.
• Write out a Timeline of everything that has happened. I started with my son's prenatal care (since that's when the trouble began). Make 2 columns with the dates in the left column, and the event in the right column. Get as specific as you can with the details. This counts when the reviewer is looking over your case, and wants to gain understanding of what you or your family member has dealt with.
• Ask the treating doctor to write a letter on your behalf stating why the treatment IS medically necessary.
• Write a letter to your state's Department of Insurance. I contacted them ahead of time so I had someone lined up who could help me. I directed my letter to this person. In the letter, be very specific about what you need; tell them why the denial is wrong, and the reasons why this type of care is medically necessary. End the letter by specifically stating that you want the denial overturned and for the insurance company to pay for the necessary care. 
• Compile your letter, denials from your insurance company, doctor's reports, and your timeline together. Make copies of everything you send. (Put these copies in your notebook for safe keeping) Make sure you fill out any necessary forms the Dept of Insurance requires. Send your packet to the Dept. of Ins. via certified mail, return receipt requested.
• If this seems overwhelming to you, you can hire a lawyer to help you prepare a packet that you can submit to your state's Dept of Insurance. 

Good luck, and remember: You can do this!

Fog bank

Today started out as a beautiful sun-shiny day. Then a fog bank rolled in. Within about 20 minutes, the sun disappeared and it felt like living in thick, soupy, foggy London. Fog horns blaring, all kinds of mayhem going on out on the bay. Well, this is to be expected when you live on an island at the coast, right?

What is interesting to me is the symbolism going on here. Let me explain...

Here I am, going along through my life just fine. Well, at least relatively fine. My current mindset is good. I am clear on my direction. I'm attending support meetings. My husband seems ok. My younger son seems to be in a good place right now. My older son is in treatment.  I'm back to fighting the insurance company for his continued placement. All good, right? 

And then the dang fog bank descends....

On January 20, 2014, it was exactly 4 months and 4 days until my son's 18th birthday. And I know exactly what the instigating fear factor of my current "fog bank" was; MLK Day. It was on this day 18 years ago that I began my hospitalized preterm labor with my son. My life changed forever that day. 

"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face-to-face with another problem." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Looking back to Jan 20, 1996, I was faced with a very big problem... For it seemed my pregnancy was in very big trouble. I had landed in the hospital in "preterm labor" and my doctors had told me to go home, that they couldn't stop my labor, and that I would soon deliver a baby that was too little to be able to survive. Well, the outcome to this story was good. My son wasn't born for another 4 months and 4 days, and he was about as perfect and healthy as he could possibly be, given his very challenging start in life. 

But what I didn't know then was that the drugs I had to take to remain pregnant, (Intravenous Terbutaline) had been acting like a toxin to my baby's developing brain. So, now, fast forward 18 years, and we learned my son suffers from a Partial Complex Seizure Disorder, Marfan's Syndrome, severe depression, and other health ailments due to this in utero drug exposure. Using illegal drugs as a coping mechanism is about the worst thing my son can do. Illegal drugs affect him negatively, and seem to increase whatever is going on with him (anxiety, depression, euphoria, etc). In the past, doing drugs have always led him to the same cliff: suicide.

18 years ago, I was hopeful. Today, I'm not sure what I am, but I know residing inside my heart is a very big stumbling block: Fear. For my son, being on his own is a train heading for disaster.

Most days find me pushing this fear away. Some days find me with my hands on my hips, staring it down, and daring it to rule me. Lately and frankly, for quite some time, I have been reasoning with myself that I have no control over my son, that there are many forces greater than me, and who am I to be able to rule another person's life and will with my own? Do I think I am a God, or what??! (let's just ignore my answer to that question for the time being!) No, but in that, I am turning to God for help with my son...

"Strive to trust (God -or your higher power) in more and more areas of your life. Anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings (He) has hidden in the difficulties. If you believe that (He is) sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust (Him) in all situations. Don’t waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment—accepting things exactly as they are—and search for (His) way in the midst of those circumstances."*

So, today I am reminded of this. And instead of running away from my fears and challenges, I know in my heart that I have the power to do this... again. 18 years ago, I learned that my problem... ur, growth opportunity (staying in bed for 4 months and 4 days, and acting like a human incubator for the baby growing inside of me) took me to places I never dreamed I'd go. They weren't easy places, in fact they were the hardest places I'd ever had to go to. Places with names like Patience, Humility, and the big one: Not Being Able To Do Exactly What I Wanted (aka Sacrifice). Those places taught me big lessons. They let me know I could DO THIS. That I could take this Growth Opportunity, and make something Big of it. (Like a healthy baby)

So, now, as I glance up, I see the glorious sun has returned, and the fog has moved on. And I realize my mood has also improved. If I can just remember to Trust, to be strong in my heart with what I know is true, and encourage my fears to exit stage left.... well, I know that everything will work out just fine.

And I will go forth today with those reminders, carry Faith in my heart, and find renewed hope. Yes!

* Exerpt from Jesus Calling, January 22.

Boundaries

It's my word for this new year. Boundaries.

Because...

Yep. 

I am a giver, a fixer, a doer, a holder-upper. To certain people in my life more than others.

And I'm good at getting walked on. Especially by those certain people. Um humm... Like all over.

But that's my doing too, and I accept that. In a weirdly passive way I can derive comfort from knowing I am needed. And I can take solice in knowing I am a helper-sort. And in a push-it-under-the-cushion way, I relish knowing that I can make things happen for them, to get things done.

But it is finally time to stop it.

Rather, it is finally time to embrace what I am doing, and own it. Be better about being manipulative and covert. Really, it's about approaching life honestly and looking it straight in the eye. Or heart. It is taking responsibility for my own stuff. And saying no to what is not mine to own. It is not feeling abandoned by myself if I stop manipulating, or threatening. About letting go of the need to manipulate or threaten. About forging through old thinking patterns and trying to do things a whole new way. About staying awake and alive to my own needs. To be disciplined with myself. To ask for support when I need it. To allow others to rely on me without expecting payback. To give more, from my heart, when I know it is right, and true.

To give more. In a limited, little bit selfish way.

And to NOT give, when it's necessary to hold back. That's going to be hard for me.

But this is what I am going to try for.

It's all I can ask of myself. Just try a bit of this each day.

Pretty soon, I'm sure it's going to stick like glue.

Then I will be a boundary whiz.

:o)

Mental Hell

In case you're not aware of it, I want to share with you that there actually is such a thing as "Hell on Earth." it is located in a place called Mental Illness. If you are aware of this fact, I am sorry. You may be struggling yourself, or know a loved one who is. I am here to commiserate with you. It is Hell for everyone involved.

It has been two terrible weeks since my 17 year old son tried to take his life. He is suffering from a deep and profound depression, brought on by the stress of returning home after 18 months of residential treatment.  He was much more fragile than we realized, we just didn't recognize the danger signs until it was much too late. His pain wasn't obvious to us.  I don't want to beat myself up over this, but as a "fixer mom" I feel completely crushed by this entire situation.

This last week has been so difficult and challenging for my husband and myself, as well as our younger son. I can't imagine how it is for our older son. He is back in Texas, at Meridell Achievement Center, the place where they helped him so much last year. 

His mood is as black as the moonless sky. 
I pray he can find his way out of this.

As if it's not enough to live with this pain and sorrow seeping through every pore of my body, it's compounded by "miscellaneous people" I've been forced to talk with when these things happen. The insurance case managers (somehow now we have THREE), all shocked and speechless once I get to this part of the story: "suicide attempt." (Dang it... They are supposed to be calling me and offering support!) The new therapist I needed to interview because our family is in crisis, hearing the edginess in his voice as my story keeps unravelling towards the unthinkable. (I did NOT set an appointment with him.) The judge in the courtroom who is incredulous that we aren't bringing our son home for the holidays. I wanted to stand up and shout in the courtroom, "CERTAINLY YOU PEOPLE HAVE DEALT WITH MENTAL ILLNESS BEFORE???" And finally, the IEP team who have fought so gallantly against giving my son an IEP over the last 10 years now begrudgingly offer up the help my son has so desperately needed. I can't even type the things I want to say to them....

One of the crisis people I spoke with told me to not be discouraged by the recent happenings with my son. We know more now about the help he needs, and we can better focus the care he receives at this point moving forward. I just keep holding onto these words and pray she is right.

And so now I feel compelled to take up a new mission. My twitchie hand is on the handle... I feel the sword coming out of the sheath. My target? Mental health, and how it is so wrongly pushed under the rug in our society. Something must be done. Things have got to change.

Feeling broken

My son is so fragile, and that makes me feel fragile too. In fact, our entire family is in a very broken-down feeling state right now. It hurts my heart so very much, but I need to talk about it. I hope you won't mind lending a listening ear....

In August, we brought our oldest son (now 17 years old) back home after being away for 18 months. It didn't go well. In fact, we watched him crumble right in front of our very eyes, and it became evident after only 2 short weeks that we would have to return him to a place where he could live in a very structured and directed environment. Unfortunately, and as life often goes, I did not act quickly enough. Plus we had other forces involved, forces that come with names like Lawsuits and Settlement Agreements.

Finally, there was the proverbial Straw That Broke The Camel's Back in the form of a stiff lecture from Grandma, and my son did the only thing he could figure out to do; he left our home that evening and picked up with a small gang of homeless youth who "range around" in our town. We know this option would only lead to disaster for our fragile boy-man. His emotional development is about 10 years behind his peers. How can a boy-man who is 6'2" with an emotional development of a 7 year old hang on successfully with 19 and 20 year old misfits? So we did what was necessary, and reported him as a "red flag missing youth with a seizure disorder not taking his medication" to the police. It still took them 4 days to pick him up.

A trip to the ER found his heart rate to be at 30. Another night out with the homeless could have likely killed him. A cardiac work up points to a possible diagnosis of Marfin's Syndrome, a connectivity tissue disorder that affects the heart, and is something that needs to be ruled out before he can participate in sports or many other activities that we take for granted. But it's just one more thing to point my son in the direction of being "different" and "unfit" and in his fragile mind, "a big messy problem," and ultimately.... "worthless."

Our decision to immediately place him in a residential setting backfired, and he made an attempt on his life. I guess that wasn't our fault, but a problem with his placement, and it not meeting his needs. Nonetheless, the terrible thing happened. With new diagnoses adding up like the ingredients in a very complex recipe, our son has now crossed into the mentally challenged ranks of chronically depressed, liable, and suicidal with an icing of potential Marfan's Syndrome. I can't help but feel so deflated for him.

I have been walking my days side by side with God, and asking him to show me the way through this. 

It's really the only thing I can do right now.

The week ahead will bring meetings with therapists on how to help put my son back on track. It brings working day by day with our younger son, helping him to find a way out of the pain and anger he feels over what his older brother has done. It brings a meeting with the people who we faced in a court of law, and hopefully they will finally understand the depths of my son's pain and disability. And, late in the week, it brings a new court date to discuss some new mayhem my son caused during the short time he was home.

God, I'm holding on here. And I really need your guidance. And I hope you are listening....

Say NO to negativity, but YES to Batman

The other day, a family member said to me, "You know, it's really time for you to get a job. Enough with being an artist, working for yourself, etc. You need to get serious about what you are doing. It's time you get a real job." 

Uh, yeah. So, you know what I said? I said, 

"Your message and tone in your voice are negative. I deal with enough negativity in my life, and don't need you adding to the mix. So, until you can accept me for who I am and what I am doing, then I won't be able to talk with you." 

Then I hung up the phone. And, since then, I've been working on putting that nasty bugger of a conversation out of my head. 

It's been going just so-so.

I can't really expect someone who hasn't walked my path to understand the ins and outs of what our family has been going through. I can't ask someone to understand what it means to butt heads with so many factions of "the establishment" in the name of finding just one helpful path for your child. What do I say to someone who complains to me about the $100,000/year cost of putting their two bright children through college at the same time? Gee, the only words that come to my mind are, 

"You are so blessed." 

Wow, that money will only buy about 6.5 months of what my son's care costs. 

And that jab about "getting a real job"? What Real Job will let you spend sometimes 6 hours during the work day talking with the schools/therapists/lawyer who are helping you fend off villains attacking your very character in the name of your child's education? What about the 4 days it took me to compose the most compelling letter of my life to the CA Insurance Commissioner's office. That letter won a judgement against our insurance company to the tune of about $40,000.00. 

I wonder if a Real Job boss would understand the time, care, and necessity behind advocating for one's troubled child? Somehow, I doubt it.

For me, and for all you Moms and Dads, Aunts, or Uncles, Grandparents, or even Friend of the family, for all of us who are trying just as-fricken-hard-as-we-can to help those struggling teens, I applaud you, I applaud US. For without Us, there would be no advocating for these kids who just might get it figured out tomorrow. Who might make the right choice next week, when their brain matures just that much more. Who might make that decision to get it right this time. Sure, they might falter next time. But we are the ones to help them celebrate each step forward. And we are the ones who hold things together when they misstep, and the world turns upside down... Again. These teens need us to stand strong in their lives, to set boundaries, to model truth, value honesty, to be a guidepost towards figuring things out.

For me, I'm willing to put off that "getting a real job" for a while longer. My real job is right here, and I will work it.

Just call me Batwoman. I am so that. And more.

When embracing being different is more than challenging

Detail, "Found my Root" by Val Hebert

"Embrace being different!" 

Even though we may try to give that message to our kids, at some point, being different is just no bueno to a teen. In fact, being different is so God-awful bad that they will just do anything to be a "fitter-inner," even though it may be to their own detriment and potentially ultimate destruction. It is the kid with the iron clad resilience of spirit that can stand up to peer pressure, call his or her own shots, and navigate those treacherous teenage waters. Thank God we don't have to relive those years again. They are rough.

We have taught our boys as best as we can to be resilient and rich in spirit. My two boys have pretty much had the same upbringing, but both have taken such different paths upon entering their teenaged years. I know now what I always suspected to be true, one who arrives in this world with a compromised systemic condition will not react to his world the same as a sibling who doesn't have the same situation. (My pregnancy with my firstborn son was extremely precarious, and I was on intravenous Terbutaline for the second half of the pregnancy) That, even though our son may seem "just fine" from the outside, what's going on on the inside of his brain is a whole different matter. As parents, we know when our kids need some extra help. I have never given up hope that we can get to the bottom of what his needs are, and find him the help he is entitled to. 

When matters of the brain are involved, the road gets very confusing, with lots of unknown kinks in the path. Also troubling is the lack of knowledge in the medical field. Think about it; if you have a problem with your heart, there are machines that can look into the heart, and doctors who can interpret test results and scans to learn what is wrong. With the brain, it's an entirely different matter. Very little is known about the inner working of the brain, and though research is on the upswing, it's still very slow going with regards to an unspecified brain injury.

My son is a bright, engaging young man. If you met him today you would not think anything is amiss. But there are some deep rooted problems going on down deep in his brain. When he was at Meridell Achievement Center last fall, and he had a QEEG brain scan, we finally learned he was having microscopic seizures in two areas of his brain. We learned the reason for his brain trauma was linked to the medication I was given during his pregnancy. The treatment he was prescribed made a huge difference in his world, and the way he could think and remember. A secondary medication helped his focus exponentially. Now, we are set to begin working with a new neuropsychologist, and will look for new information from a sleep study. I am thrilled that my son will soon be followed by a neurologist.

We are getting ready to bring my son home at the end of this month. He has been gone for 18 long months. Truly, his hardest work is still in front of him... returning to the place where things went so very bad. I am busier than ever making sure his return home is to a lifestyle, activities and home environment that are very different than the one he left. 

Wish us luck, and prayers. We will need it.

Triggers + First trip home

Wow, it's been a long time since our son was home... 15.5 months, to be exact. In 2 days, he will fly into town, and step back into the city, town, and home he left so abruptly in the middle of the night, so long ago. The idea of returning home is beyond exciting to him, and we are thrilled he is finally making this trip home ... but you and I know it comes with it's own force of nature called "triggers."

Spending time with him where he's now living is something we cherish each month. Every time we see him, he is in a better place, physically and mentally. He is healthy, has matured by leaps and bounds, has grown taller by 2 inches from when he left, and has gained 50-yes, FIFTY pounds! And he is not fat, he's slim and trim, and gorgeous I might add-- ok, I'm his mom. It's just that he was a 6'1", 125 lb. drug addicted, junk food eating shadow when he left home so long ago. Now, he is taking good care of himself, eating healthy foods, plays sports, deals with his emotions in a healthy way, and talks with his family like we are people he values and wants to be with. 

Those dang triggers... we all have them. What is a trigger?, you might ask...

A "trigger" of addiction involves any stressor or high-risk situation that sparks a thought, feeling, or action to use drugs/alcohol. This spark, which is experienced as a temptation or desire to use, is called a "craving" or "urge". So, triggers can lead to cravings and urges to use.

Spending time with our son recently has found me stopping to pick up discarded cigarettes and put them in the trash (eew), alerting shop keepers to discarded 1/2 drunk glasses of beer, etc. I told our son that I will not always be able to clean sweep his triggers away for him. That he will need to find a way to manage these triggers on his own...

How does one successfully avoid triggers that can spark a possible relapse? That, as one of my Epic Moms so easily answers, can be summed up in three little words: 

People, Places and Things.

From Helpguide.org: While getting sober from drugs is an important first step, it’s only the beginning of the recovery process. Once sober, the brain needs time to recover and rebuild connections that have changed while addicted. During this time, drug cravings can be intense. You can support your continued sobriety by making a conscious effort to avoid people, places, and situations that trigger the urge to use:

• Make a break from old drug buddies. Don’t make the mistake of hanging out with old friends who are still doing drugs. Surround yourself with people who support your sobriety, not those who tempt you to slip back into old, destructive habits.
• Avoid parties, bars and clubs, even if you don’t have a problem with alcohol. Drinking lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, which can easily lead to relapse. Drugs are often readily available and the temptation to use can be overpowering. Also avoid any other environments and situations that you associate with drug use.
• Be up front about your history of drug use when seeking medical treatment. If you need a medical or dental procedure done, be up front about your history and find a provider who will work with you in either prescribing alternatives or the absolute minimum medication necessary. You should never feel ashamed or humiliated about previous drug use or be denied medication for pain; if that happens, find another provider.
• Use caution with prescription drugs. Stay away from prescription drugs with the potential for abuse or use only when necessary and with extreme caution. Drugs with a high abuse potential include painkillers, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety medication.

So, this weekend we are going to celebrate my son's return home, and help him successfully manage those dang triggers. We are going to keep him surrounded in care, and hold him up emotionally as he makes his first venture back on his home turf. And then, after only 28 hours, we are going to return him to his safe environment up north where he can process those freaking triggers, and make a plan on how best to manage them the next time he returns home. Which, I hope, will be very soon. Or, at least, when he is good and ready...

Getting In The Know: 420 Day

As parents, we need to know what's going on with our teens, what they are doing, and where their interests lie. It's about being a part of their lives, living in community with them, and making a daily choice to not live with them in ignorance. Even though they may want to tune us out, and demand their privacy, it's not healthy to let them get too far out of our sight... not yet, anyway.

Hindsight is 20/20. (God... how many times have I heard that?) Oh, that I could take back time, and do things differently...

So, my older son had all these signs and stickers that said "420"posted all over his room, skateboard, heck, everywhere... did I think it was important to know what 420 meant? I guess not. 

Heck, people, we have got to ask. (I know, it doesn't mean that they will tell us, right?) But still, just ask, because maybe they will.

Today, my younger son, who is doing incredibly well in his fight to stay away from drugs (read more here), asked me if he could "take a personal day" and not go to school. So, I asked why. And he told me it was the day before 420 day. What's that? I asked. "Really, Mom, you actually do not know about 420 day???" was his reply...

Uh, no, I don't.

Please tell me more...

First of all, let me tell you, my boys didn't always tell me these things. They were as secretive and covert as FBI agents, especially when it came to anything relating to drugs. It is a miracle in my book that we have crossed the threshold of truth. And now, they divulge things about drugs, their past, how they feel, what's going on with them... pretty much everything. Ahhh, well, except girl stuff that is. (Ok, I will give them that measure of privacy for now. When a serious girlfriend comes along, I will pry. I know I will. And, hopefully that threshold of established truth will allow them to feel comfortable in telling me about that too.)

From Ask.com's Urban Legends: 

What 420 is, whether expressed in the form 4:20 (as a time of day), 4/20 (as a calendar date), or just the unadorned numeral (pronounced "four-twenty") is a universal, unofficial symbol for the use and appreciation for marijuana. In fact, 4/20, or April 20th, has come to be known in certain circles as "Marijuana Appreciation Day." Read more here.

I guess the main topic at school today was not a looming test, or what homework is due in whichever class, but instead the where, when, the why and the how of how to experience, and appreciate marijuana, and get flippin' high. Along with where the parties are going to be. Let me tell you, there are going to be par-tays.

So, yep, I let him stay home from school.

And I promised I'd take him to Disneyland. Maybe I'll buy him a condo too.

-just kidding...

Empowerment 101

Last Friday night marked a milestone in our family's fight against drugs. It was significant on so many levels. I'm going to try to relate the power behind what happened.

I have to preface by saying our town is a beautiful place to live, and it is considered to be one of America's finest cities. People move here because our town is safe, secluded, and it's a perfect town to raise a family. The schools are good (if your kid is Type A. Mine are think-outside-the-box types, but that's another story). Our climate is gorgeous, and the town's atmosphere is charming and welcoming.

What no one likes to admit is that there is a serious drug and alcohol problem in our town that is impacting our youth, and especially our teens. Drug and alcohol usage in our town is 7% higher than the California State average. In the most recent California Healthy Kids Survey (information about this survey can be viewed here), 43% of 11th graders in the greater San Diego area had used alcohol or other drugs with some form of regularity within the past 30 days. In our town, 50% of 11th graders had regularly used within the past 30 days. Okay, that means that out of every FOUR TEENS, ages 16-17 in high school, TWO are using drugs and/or alcohol with some form of regularity.

In fact, I have a quote from a person who is an administrator within our school system who said, "On any given day, over two thirds of high school boys come to school high, or get high during the school day." Now that is downright frightening.

My ninth grader knows about addiction, he's seen what hell his older brother has gone through trying to fight back and regain his life against the powerful pull of drugs. So, last Friday night, my ninth grader asked to "hang out" with friends, including one boy we know to have been mixed up with drugs. I warned my son against this kid, and reminded him that his ability to retain his privileges, including trips to visit his older brother, rely solely on his ability to remain sober and drug free. He told me he could cope with this, and proudly reported that his friend had been drug free for 7 months. (Um, okay, I'll believe it when I see it, I thought, but I kept this to myself...) We devised a 9-1-1 text plan, where he could text me at any moment to ask for help, and I would be there in a flash-minute to help him out of any jam. All he'd need to do was "call".

And, guess what, he did!

His friend, so NOT sober, arrived with a group of older guys, already rowdy drunk, and toting the proverbial backpack filled with bottles of booze, and who knows what else. (So typical in our town. Maybe in your town too...) My son felt things were going down in a bad way, so he sent out the good ol' 9-1-1. And, even though my husband and I were celebrating his birthday, I responded to that text in a flash minute, and gave my son the support and rescue he needed in order to keep that beautiful state of sobriety. It worked like a charm.

Afterwards, we talked about the struggle his friend has in front of him. Certainly, at age 14, he has already opened the Pandoras Box of addiction. His brain, instead of growing and maturing like nature intends, is putting a powerful robot in charge called "Addiction" which is hijacking his brain's development in the name of drug abuse. The most significant struggle this kid has is the force to stop using when everything around him remains the same. Since the pull to fit in and self medicate is so powerful with teens in our town... that "50% of 11th graders" bell is ringing in my ear... I feel certain my son's friend is slated to fail without significant parental intervention, and as long as he remains connected to his current "friends," and of course, is allowed to "hang out" in our "charming", yet drug infested town...

*** 4/20/13 UPDATE: Within less than one month, the aforementioned "friend" is now in juvie.... Apparently, he totally gave up the illusion he was sober, and went full tilt back into drug use. He was caught trying to break into a locked car to get a drug accessory, and was caught by the police. Very sad, and a very real reminder of the trauma drugs cause...

Walking towards recovery

We visited our son last weekend, and he is doing amazingly well. He looks great, seems incredibly healthy, and we saw no sign of depression. He took it upon himself to have a tearful confession with us, and to profusely apologize for his past actions. His words brought our whole family to tears. He is not particularly happy in his current program, but is doing what we ask;  putting one foot in front of the other each day, taking one day at a time, doing what he can to make the best use of his time, and working his program. When you are a reluctant teen, this is asking a lot.

He has been in treatment for one year, one month and one week. (and 3 days, he reminds me)

Statically speaking, the best chance of long term recovery for both the addict and the heavy user is 365 continuous days of sobriety, and 12-18 months is optimal. The brain, especially in males, is not finished developing until the age of 26 (female brain approximately 18 years). If a young person begins using drugs or alcohol before the age of 15, they are at far greater risk for addiction.  It is especially important to note the mean age for experimenting with drug/alcohol usage today is age 13.  Here is the reason why that sucks...

Drug use at a young age actually rewires the young brain for addiction. The longer we can delay our teens from drug or alcohol use of any kind, the greater the chance for full, healthy brain development. The brain develops kind of like a computer, where one task is mastered, and then it goes on to the next task and begins to master that. When drugs and/or alcohol are introduced (and/or trauma, which, when experienced during this critical developmental period, can rewire the brain in the same way exposure by drugs and alcohol does), brain development, particularly in the pleasure centers can actually shut down, the brain will rewire itself to only want more of the substance that gives it immediate pleasure (drugs/alcohol), thereby preventing the brain to develop continuously and normally. 

You may think of someone you know who has perhaps abused drugs or alcohol for a long time? How they may sometimes seem ... um, "inappropriate". Maybe ... all the time-? Yep, that's what I'm talking about.

Pleasure centers in the brain, when governed by drugs, attach all ability to find pleasure to the drug use. Things that made our kids happy before drug use, such as enjoying time with family and friends, playing games, enjoying time at the beach, etc... all these things soon become secondary to drug usage. A brain on drugs lights up, and seemingly, all the troubles in the world are easily solved. Coming off the high means a return of troubling situations, and the brain demands more of the drug. A vicious cycle  ensues, and pleasure, initially long lasting under the effects of the drug, becomes more and more elusive as the brain cries out for more of the drug. The brain is effectively telling the body the only way to find pleasure is to use drugs.

Each month we travel to visit our son, he is new to us. I'd like to say that he's renewed to his former glory, but last year, along with every prior year in his life, he had seizures going off in his brain and he couldn't think clearly. His former glory was always murky, questionable, tenuous, though we knew deep down he is is capable, loving and kind. Drug use and abuse just worsened the murkiness to the level of being intolerable, both for him, and us. Now, the son we see before us is this amazing, knowing, truthful, perceptive kid. He stuns us with all that he is. We feel incredibly blessed to have been able to bring him back from the brink of devastation. He has a life to live, and wants to move forward, living life on life's terms.

We are beyond thankful. We are beyond blessed that we have found 365 days where he could be removed from "life", allow his brain to heal, and introduce new ways for his brain to seek and find pleasure. God is good, so good...