I am thinking of giving my son this letter on his 21st birthday, which is a couple months away. As ever, I am grateful for this space, where I can process my thoughts and let them simmer, while I mull things over.....
To my son, my first-born child,
When we first met at your birth nearly 21 years ago, I
dreamed of a special new life; you, your dad and I, all happy and rosy together.
I never imagined the kind of journey we would travel together as a family. We
have come a really long way.
I had experienced several problematic health situations
within my family, such as a brother with severe depression that emerged in his
college years, a grandmother with OCD and hording behavior, a brother-in-law
who lived with paranoid schizophrenia. But even though these situations were
very large in their lives, they never touched me the way your medical and mental
health challenges would.
You were born bright and beautiful, a miracle after a very
challenging and precarious pregnancy where I nearly lost you at week 21. Your
health at birth was an amazing blessing.
When things began to get rough in your early school years, I
made the decision to quit my job and work at home so I could watch more closely
the ways in which you needed help. Ever the independent and resourceful child,
with a quick, bright mind, I watched as situations at school whittled away at
your self-esteem, and soon escapism and protection became your daily goal.
Feeling helpless to know how to navigate the systems in place that were meant
to guide you successfully towards adulthood, I stood by watching my beautiful
child fall apart in front of my very eyes. I felt I was powerless to change how
you felt, powerless to make those who interacted with you on a daily basis
understand the complex yet magical child you were.
When addiction and severe depression with suicidal ideation
made its way into our lives in your 15th year, we realized your
challenges were more than we knew how to navigate. You seemed to be at your
lowest low, yet placement in an RTC setting, while helpful in reestablishing
you to a place of health, still couldn’t help you manage the need to self-medicate.
A frighteningly near-successful suicide attempt was your way of speaking out,
but it left us feeling as helpless as ever. Nothing we did ever seemed to bring
you out of the roller-coaster of frustration, depression, and self-loathing you
seemed to wear daily. We tried our best as a family to love, support, and
encourage you, which always seemed to work in the moment, but sooner or later you
would always return to self-defeating behaviors. We tried our best to make you aware
of how much brighter our lives were with you in it, as we stood by helplessly not
knowing what we could possibly do to help you feel better.
Finally, we learned the basis of your illness was caused by
a partial complex seizure disorder, where two areas of your brain suffer from
microscopic seizure activity. Medication allowed you to process learning in a
new way and your brain to function more normally. Therapeutic sessions helped
you learn to process your actions over the past several years. Even though you
still struggled with a major drug addiction, we could finally see the
depression lifting, and finishing high school was finally a possibility for
you.
Today is a brighter day. It has been more than a year since
we brought you back into our home, and with proper support, you are dealing
with your anxiety and addiction in a more healthy, controlled way. Even though
I am sure some days are quite a struggle for you, as a family, we have realized
the best way to support you is to have you at home with us so you can continue
to mature and grow at a pace that is right for you.
21 years ago, I was a girl who thought I knew what it took
to become a mom. I was not ready, nor was I equipped to handle mental illness
or a co-occurring disorder. I was not able to handle the backlash of community
stigma towards behaviors society deems objectionable. I was unsure how to negotiate
with a child who exhibited dangerous or self-destructive behavior. I didn’t
know how to stand up to an entire school district or a national insurance
company to make sure my child’s health needs were met.
Today, I am a woman, I am your mother, and I have learned
how to stand up and fight for your rights and needs, especially when you could
not fight for yourself.
When you were born, I knew you were different. I was right.
Because despite the battle you have walked through personally, you still manage
to be the magical person I’ve always known you to be. Despite your medical and
mental health challenges which our family has walked through together, you have
taught us all how to navigate walking an uphill battle with grace and
fortitude, sometimes with great effort, and always with strength.
For you, I am so grateful.
With love,
Your mom.
