Friday, January 25, 2013

Ordered chaos

Before I was fully prepared for it, I found myself back in the thick of things... The release date was finally upon us and he was coming home. We took ourselves to the school office and he said he had to use the bathroom. After a few very long minutes, we searched, and realized he was nowhere to be found. He had never done this before, but he was back in his familiar territory, and he'd run. What now??? Days passed, and we finally located him. He was as sick as a dog. He'd been with his old "friends" and had been shooting up heroin. What the heck??? Heroin? He'd never done this before either. I sat up with a start, covered in sweat, and realized it had all been a dream. -A Horrible Dream, but thank God. It was only a dream...

How do we make our way through the chaos? How do we find order, and sanity when everything is turned upside-down? I am certain that, in a day or in a year, I will have a grave case of PTSD over what I am experiencing right now. What will get me through this? How will I be able to deal with situations, thoughts, and dreams that paralyze me with fear and worry?

As advised by the very Epic Honey Badger, Pernille Kraus, CAADAC RS;
"Once we take the focus off the out of control teen, we can get ordered chaos. As long as we are focusing on them, it's wrangling squirrels and reacting. When we pull back and focus on our own process, we get out of their tornado and can respond without emotion dictating the show."
How do we do that? "Pull back and focus on our own process" What is this and how do I do it?

All I know is that I am exhausted. All my worrying, questioning, and relentless searching for answers has taken me nowhere good. It has hijacked my mind and shaken my resolve. It makes it so I cannot focus, and am certain it is the thing that is in charge of my nightmares. And so today, finally, I realized I am done. In being done, I have said this:  
"Here God. I'll give this to you to deal with. Take it. I have no answers. It is all up to you. What will be, will be."
For I am flawed, full of self-doubt, fearful, impatient and anxious... as much as I would like to NOT be. I must find the courage to put one foot in front of the other in order to reach my goal, and the goals of our family. My faith will sustain me on this; my journey. And I will trust in God that He will see the good and truth in our actions, and will assure us that the ones who are doing us wrong will turn around, and do the right thing. I leave this in His hands, and trust it will all work out, as it rightfully will, in the end.

There are no answers. There is only Trust. Trust that He will help make order out of the chaos. Give the control away, and see how it feels. Today, the load is lifted off my shoulders. And that is a very good thing...

1 comment:

  1. So proud of you, epic momma! I know it feels counter intuitive, but letting go of control is the best feeling ever - when you get used to it. :-)