Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Mental Hell

In case you're not aware of it, I want to share with you that there actually is such a thing as "Hell on Earth." it is located in a place called Mental Illness. If you are aware of this fact, I am sorry. You may be struggling yourself, or know a loved one who is. I am here to commiserate with you. It is Hell for everyone involved.

It has been two terrible weeks since my 17 year old son tried to take his life. He is suffering from a deep and profound depression, brought on by the stress of returning home after 18 months of residential treatment.  He was much more fragile than we realized, we just didn't recognize the danger signs until it was much too late. His pain wasn't obvious to us.  I don't want to beat myself up over this, but as a "fixer mom" I feel completely crushed by this entire situation.

This last week has been so difficult and challenging for my husband and myself, as well as our younger son. I can't imagine how it is for our older son. He is back in Texas, at Meridell Achievement Center, the place where they helped him so much last year. 

His mood is as black as the moonless sky. 
I pray he can find his way out of this.

As if it's not enough to live with this pain and sorrow seeping through every pore of my body, it's compounded by "miscellaneous people" I've been forced to talk with when these things happen. The insurance case managers (somehow now we have THREE), all shocked and speechless once I get to this part of the story: "suicide attempt." (Dang it... They are supposed to be calling me and offering support!) The new therapist I needed to interview because our family is in crisis, hearing the edginess in his voice as my story keeps unravelling towards the unthinkable. (I did NOT set an appointment with him.) The judge in the courtroom who is incredulous that we aren't bringing our son home for the holidays. I wanted to stand up and shout in the courtroom, "CERTAINLY YOU PEOPLE HAVE DEALT WITH MENTAL ILLNESS BEFORE???" And finally, the IEP team who have fought so gallantly against giving my son an IEP over the last 10 years now begrudgingly offer up the help my son has so desperately needed. I can't even type the things I want to say to them....

One of the crisis people I spoke with told me to not be discouraged by the recent happenings with my son. We know more now about the help he needs, and we can better focus the care he receives at this point moving forward. I just keep holding onto these words and pray she is right.

And so now I feel compelled to take up a new mission. My twitchie hand is on the handle... I feel the sword coming out of the sheath. My target? Mental health, and how it is so wrongly pushed under the rug in our society. Something must be done. Things have got to change.

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