Monday, March 23, 2015

Dream big

Do you dream big? I hope you do! I do dream really big, or at least I try to dream big within reason. Though I wish otherwise, my dreams don't often come true. Take this car, for instance. I've been dreaming BIG about this specific car since I was 16 years old. Shoot! I still don't have it! 

When it comes to a family member's addiction, the dreams can get vivid and downright demanding. At times, I've felt like I would happily deal with the devil just to make this problem of addiction for my son go away. Thank goodness the devil part of this dream hasn't come true. That's one someone I would NOT want to be indebted to! For the record, I am still waiting on the addiction relief part of this dream to come true...

One thing I have learned is that it's okay to dream, and it's okay to ask for what you want to happen. At least in the asking, you are essentially putting your wishes "out there", and if you believe in a higher power, then certainly your wishes will be heard. Here's what the "letting go" portion of the equation looks like for me. 

I ask, and then I get quiet. 
I dream, and then I wait.
I speak my intentions, and then I sit still. 

Ok, I am still sitting still. Still waiting, Still quiet. And in these moments, I am trying to care care of myself. Trying to do what makes my heart happy. Trying to get going in the Studio, and get something done... Trying not to let my thoughts wander over to roller coaster land... (sigh).

Some days it's downright hard. Some days I fail miserably. Usually those days find me reaching out to friends for supportive help. I step out of my regular life with no notice, and hightail it to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. I can be found with my nose glued to my Al-Anon literature, I lose myself in prayer and meditation. These are the things that help me get through the tough days. 

What else helps? I regularly lead meetings at my local Al-Anon meetings. This past weekend, I completed a three day training workshop to become a Family To Family instructor with NAMI. (Learn more here) Reaching out to others who are struggling is also extremely helpful. It grounds me and takes the focus off myself as I reach out to others who are dealing with a similar situation. The other benefit is those people are there for me when I am struggling. 

Today, my son is ok... He left his recent treatment program two weeks ago, and is living with some people he met at the program. He is experiencing the first freedom he's been allowed to have over the last 3 years (with the exception of the 2 months he came home in 2013). He is navigating "life", he says he is taking his medications, he is looking for a job... he met with his new psychiatrist successfully. He says he is staying off drugs, proclaiming he wants to get his life on track, and doing drugs will not take him to where he wants to go. So, that all sounds positive and good. It seems like he is telling the truth... I hope he is....

Really, I just want him to be healthy and safe...

Ok, please excuse me while I get quiet over here.

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