The problem with stigma

What is stigma? The dictionary defines it as

a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation. 

The archaic meaning is a mark made by a branding iron on the skin of a criminal or slave. 

If you, or someone you love, is dealing with the stigma of a mental health condition or an addiction, or perhaps both of these together, then stigma probably matters to you quite a bit. Maybe it feels like your loved one (and you too) - or even your whole family is wearing a giant red brand - right on your forehead - that says something really harsh. (ADDICT) or (ENABLER). And it's right there for everyone to see....  (THIEF) ... Yeah, I know it feels like that to me.

As if people with a dual diagnosis aren't dealing with enough in their lives, the people who talk behind their backs while smiling at their face, asking them how they are doing and then speak meanly about them to others as soon as they walk away. Rumors are spread (which may be true or untrue - basically it is Gossip). It just makes me very, very sad.

I have learned about stigma. I have watched it crumble fragile people as they learn what other people think about them. I see how past misdeeds these people have overcome are brought back to the surface time and time again, like pouring salt into old wounds. I observe the disappointment and witness their hopelessness that relationships will ever change.

It makes me really sad.

So, how do we fix this?

Given all that is talked about regarding mental illness and addiction and the fact that "it's a brain disorder" is now regularly being reported in the media. This implies it's not your fault or your parent's fault. Sadly, this is not helping matters regarding stigma.

We need to be able to get to a place of empathy and understanding about what is behind the actions that drive the behavior. Behind what impels someone to use drugs, act out inappropriately, or steal. We need to stop blaming and begin to look for helpful answers, solutions rather than labels. Inclusion instead of exclusion. We need to stop being judgmental. To put ourselves in their shoes...

I am a changed person today based on what my loved one has had to endure. As a mom, I will do almost anything to stop my child's pain, or at least help him to understand the reasoning behind it. Of course, I want him to take responsibility for his actions and realize it's not easy to erase bad deeds in other people's eyes. I do hope these are the consequences that will help to change future behaviors.

People can recover from mental illness. People can recover from addictive behaviors. People can change and behave differently. People can. People do. I believe recovery can happen a little quicker within a supportive environment.

I'm not saying it's easy (just so we're clear). But I believe casting people away does far greater harm than good. Sure, they might finally be out of your life, and certainly, that might be exactly what you need. I get that. I am a proponent of taking care of oneself first. Setting clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept is key, rules and expectations definitely play a role here.

My aim is to inspire compassion while also emphasizing that people can change. If you are someone who has stigmatized others, I hope you will think about your role in the relationship. Please ask, listen, and find a way to empathize. If you are someone who has been stigmatized, please talk with others about how this made you feel. We all need kindness. This world definitely needs more empathetic people.

Recovery Tools

This is me today, however I haven't always been this way. Most every day finds me with a kind heart. When I take care of myself properly, my mind is unstoppably fierce. And brave spirit... well yep, I can call myself that now.

I didn't always have a brave spirit. I was so meek and mild growing up. But I did have one part of me that felt very brave. Once I figured out I could take that part and rely on it, I finally learned that many more parts of me were braver than I thought. Now, I see that braveness can seep into every aspect of my character and finally I am proud to call my spirit "Brave" :o)

In advocacy, I have learned a big dose of being Brave. Once I learned the tools to advocate successfully for myself and my family, my Brave qualities have grown exponentially. Even though I am still working on this in my professional life as an artist, I know in my heart I will get there one day. Of that I am sure.

I have had people tell me I am the bravest and strongest person they know.  I wasn't always like this, let me tell you! How do we get to that Brave Place when we are struggling deeply? My "Tools" are what I use to take me from a place of fearfulness to a place of strength.

How do we get these "Tools"?  

First, we have to put a name to our needs. For me, it was learning as much as I could about my son's disabilities. From there, I did many google searches so I could understand complex terminology and workings of the brain. One thing would lead me to another. Information gathering became the first tool in my tool belt. Even today, I may learn a new piece of information that tags onto old learning. I never waste the chance to stop what I'm doing and check into this new piece of information. Informational gathering takes us from a place of hopeless mystery to the place of knowing.

Second, we have to align ourselves with the right people to help us navigate this new path. I don't take this tool lightly. I firmly believe that in asking, we receive. So, put your desires out there. Name them by speaking them aloud. Write them down, or talk about it with someone you trust. Pay attention to the answers you receive. Answers can come in all forms. Opening a magazine to a page that totally touches on your dilemma is one example. Meeting someone new that is (unbelievably) struggling with your same dilemma is another. Do not cast aside freak experiences to chance! When you ask for answers, you will receive them if you are truly open to finding them.

Third, support groups are your friend. That is were you will meet those people we talked about in Tool 2. Locate support groups that cover your particular situation. Even if you are not sure if it's a good fit for you, go. Sometimes, the group might not cover your exact situation, but someone there might know of a new group for you to try. Other times, you might stumble upon a wealth of information. What is one evening, or 1-2 hours of your time when you could potentially learn so much about how to deal with your dilemma?

Fourth, take a class. This will help you get to the nitty gritty part of the learning about your dilemma. Some classes are free, like NAMI's wonderfully supportive Family to Family class. Other courses might have minimal charges. Contact the website for the cause you are concerned about and ask about any classes they may offer. Consider taking a class offered by your local community college. Can you believe there are organizations that are funded by the government that will pay for you to take a class? Free, people, that means free!

Fifth, don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call. I do want to caution you about saving this step until you have completed Tool 1 (information gathering) and possibly Tool 4 (taking a class). I have picked up the phone and asked to speak to the head of Neuropsychology at a Children's hospital. I have tracked down the top decision maker for my family's insurance company. The most important consideration before doing this is making sure you have full comprehension about your family member's situation. If, for example, they start speaking about a particular brain situation, it would be best that you know a little bit of what they are talking about. You want to use as little of their time as possible, but you want to get your questions answered.

Sixth, speak out. Don't be afraid to share some of what you've learned with others. In our NAMI Family to Family class, we tell our class participants that they are all an expert in what they have had to deal with in supporting their family member. So, that goes for you too. Yes, you. You are an expert in your situation and you can help others with your lived experiences. In my case, I tell people I am always happy to talk with someone who is struggling and help out in any way I can. People helped me when I was first navigating this path, and I was so grateful. It is the least I can do to give back, and help out someone who is just getting started in their information gathering period, or Tool 1 as I like to call it :o)

What tools have worked for you? I'm sure there are so many more. Please post a comment below if you have something to add, so others can hear your voice in all of this as well. And, thank you in advance for caring enough to speak up.

PS. To get your own version of the wonderful print at the top of this post, please visit this link: http://etsy.me/1ZYx4pk

Daily Miracles

I might add; "and where your head is at during the walk..."

What I have noticed lately is that things rarely change exponentially. Meaning, they might change slightly, or maybe they will improve a bit before they return to a semblance of the way they were before. Sure, there may be life moments like marriages, births, deaths; those major changes. But the everyday? I find what is resonating with me right now is how I am choosing to handle the everyday challenges. And what I have finally learned deep down in my heart is that what truly matters is where exactly my head is at during the handling of ... the thing... the person... the situation... That is the challenge.

In AA and Alanon there is the saying of the 3 Cs:

We did not cause it

We cannot control it

We cannot cure it 

I will be the first to admit that I have been working prettttttty hard to control it. What "it"? Um, pretty much Everything. I've spent the better part of my life to be Captain At The Control Panel of everything in my life. Without me, things would certainly fall apart, right? And all those nasty little sidebars like perfectionism, being judgmental, feeling stuck because things just weren't "right" or weren't "good enough" and then the shame, blame, name game until I just want to lie down.... it all gets really tiring, this control business.

So, what about letting go? I have talked about it before. I've done the letting go, and handing it over to my higher power. What I'm going to say next is said with a weary shake of my head....

It is never easy to "give it to my higher power" when watching a loved one struggle, especially when they take themselves to such dangerous places. But I've had to really ask myself: who am I to stand in their way of learning the natural consequences of life? I am not God. I do not count like that. Really, if death is their consequence, I will only drive myself to the brink of death in trying to personally control their outcome. So, no. It is way, way easier to step out of the way, and let God (my higher power) take the reigns.

So, yeah....

Thank you, Pema. I have read your book many times, and I know this. But knowing something in your head and taking it to heart like a missing puzzle piece are two different things. I have finally, THANKFULLY, learned what it means to truly TRUST, to Let Go, to Give it to God. And it is working for me. Yes, thank God, it really is. 

So, yeah. Teaching me time and time again is my very own son and this time was different. It was different in a small way, but a very good way. It was different because this time, I stepped out of the way.

So, I am going to name off a few miracles. Like the title of this post says, they are Daily Miracles. And they do indeed come each and every day. And simply the fact that I can look at life now through my daily blessings is miracle number 1. So, here goes... 

1. Seeing daily blessings and miracles. Somehow they have always been here, but I wasn't looking at them the same way. I'm so thankful I can see them now for what they are.
2. My son turned 20 on April 24. This in itself is the True Miracle. I made a promise with God during my son's pregnancy, and God made a promise to me. In that I/we got him through the teen years, I have fulfilled my promise. I told God then that if He allowed me to carry the pregnancy to term and give me a healthy baby (I had gone into pre-term labor at week 21, with my doctor telling me they could not save the pregnancy), I would do whatever it takes (took) to get my son through his teen years. And it took A LOT. Way more than I ever thought I could do, more courage than I ever thought I had, enduring more heartache than I ever thought a person could bear. (Who is the teacher in this? I swear, it's my son...)
3. My other son turned 18 yesterday, and he is doing so well. *big smile*
4. My husband and I work at daily thankfulness, and we both feel so blessed in all of this.
5. Completing my first time teaching NAMI's Family to Family class. What an amazing experience for me! I am equally as thankful as our class participants :o)
6. "In the asking, we have found the answer" Our Rock Recovery Families meeting has found a new leader. *Feeling so thankful and amazed that Ryan and his family showed up at the zero hour and volunteered to lead this wonderful Al-Anon based meeting. 
7. In this journey, I have found my true friends. Thank you all. You know who you are. I love you all so much!
8. For such a "doubting Sally" I have been led to the truth. In that, I am forever thankful, forever changed....

Thanks for listening. I am leading tonight's meeting, and this is my share. 

Does Suboxone work as a treatment model for opioid addiction?

It is with great interest that I am hearing all the press being given to the crisis of opioid and heroin addiction in our country. On my way into my office today, I heard a piece on NPR that discussed this crisis along with a sound bite from President Obama. Afterwards, they discussed Suboxone as a possible treatment therapy. As someone with a family member who struggled with a heroin addiction and tried Suboxone as a treatment therapy, I would like to give my own 2 cents about the use of Suboxone as a treatment for getting off heroin or dealing with opioid addiction.

Suboxone is a daily medication that is given under doctor's supervision. It is a strip that is dissolved under the tongue. Not every doctor can prescribe Suboxone therapy. You must find a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction treatment and is licensed to prescribe Suboxone. Each licensed doctor can only have 100 Suboxone patients they treat at a time. Legislation is working to increase that number to 200 patients per doctor.

Like methadone, it will help the heroin addict to not use heroin by substituting another (albeit highly addictive) drug to the user's system. If the user is driven to stop using heroin or other opioids, they might be a successful candidate for Suboxone use. However, Suboxone, like heroin, must be taken at a regular time, or the user will go into uncomfortable withdrawals. Many Suboxone users say Suboxone is a harder drug to use and get off of than heroin. (Read this account, and use care with Suboxone) In my family member's case, they quickly discounted the Suboxone use, returned to using heroin, and sold Suboxone as a street drug. Suboxone is not for everyone.

Other treatment models are available that can be a much better choice than Suboxone.  This article discusses other medications on the horizon for opioid addicts. Personally, and it goes without saying that my family member has not tried all the methods listed in the article, I have seen promise with a drug called Vivitrol. Vivitrol is an injection given once a month. Unlike opioids such as methadone and Suboxone, which produce a limited buzz to control cravings, Vivitrol dulls the brain's receptors so users don't feel cravings and won't get a high even if they take opioids. It can help reduce cravings and assist the addict in making more positive choices in life. Just knowing they are not going to be able to get high (or will get instantly very sick if they use opioids) allows them to occupy their life with things other than drug procurement and use.

From What is Vivitrol:

"Vivitrol ... can treat both opiate and alcohol addiction. It blocks other opioids from acting on the receptors in the brain and can also help ease drug cravings. By blocking the effects of other opioids it takes away the pleasurable effect, with can help with preventing relapse. Although it is not fully understood as to why an opioid antagonist works in treating alcoholism, it is believed that Vivitrol blocks the pleasurable effects of alcohol by blocking the release of endorphins caused by alcohol. This treatment can help you stop misusing opioids and alcohol and, when combined with counseling, can help you rebuild your life."

I am really hopeful about the changes in our society towards the stigma of addiction and drug abuse, and with new treatment methods being developed to help our loved ones. Granted, nothing can tear apart a family like living with an addicted person, but once treatment goals are accepted, treating an addicted person with compassion and hope is so much more productive than the alternative.

As a society, I believe we can effect positive change on the terrible opioid addiction epidemic gripping our country and in helping our loved ones battling this disease. 

Teen brain development and drug use

Lately, (and just "for fun" :o) I've been watching YouTube videos featuring talks by Dr. Nora Volkow, the Director of the NIH/NIDA, the National Institute of Health and National Institute on Drug Addiction. Dr. Volkow is a psychiatrist and has spent her life studying the human brain and how it is affected by drugs of addiction. I believe she is taking part in some of the most current and forward thinking topics on addiction, teen brain development, teen addiction and the need for vaccines to treat addiction. 

I have written in the past on addiction and mental illness, and posed the question of whether drug addiction is a mental illness (more here). The truth is that the teen brain is delicate and the process of maturing and becoming an adult brain should not be taken lightly. Given that the teen brain goes through a huge period of development and the fact that many teens expose themselves to risk taking behaviors (which may include drug use) means that a brain that might have the predisposed condition towards mental illness will be adversely compromised if exposed to chronic drug use during the early teen years. 

Many teens think the marijuana is "harmless". Please look at the video above, particularly at the 6:45 minute mark where Dr. Volkow answers a teen's question about whether marijuana use is harmful. The answer and explanation Dr. Volkow gives made this entire lecture hall of teens think twice about using marijuana. 

In particular, I am very interested in the 'why?' behind drug use and abuse, and the role dopamine plays in the addict's choice to use, even when he states 'I don't even really enjoy it anymore.' Dr. Volkow's description on how dopamine is tied to the brain's function, and that the brain is conditioned almost more by the actions associated with preparing to use a drug than to the actual affect the brain receives by the actual drug use. Dr. Volkow states the brain of an addict sees drug use as critical to their survival. More on this can be found in this presentation on Addiction: A Disease of Free Will).

Will there be a vaccine for drug addiction? Currently, the issue is at the center of a large debate. Drug companies are not convinced it is "necessary". The bottom line is, of course, profits. But, the driving force is the fact that addiction is still very stigmatized. It is seen as a choice, or an issue of free will. "If they really wanted to stop using, they would." The true question is why would someone risk the loss of absolutely everything in life, including their very OWN life, in order to fuel their addiction? 

It is necessary to embrace addiction as a chronic disease of the brain, where drug use disrupts the circuitry of the brain that enable a person to make healthy decisions for themselves. When the stigmatization of addiction is dropped, and the healthcare system embraces addiction and mental illness as a disease, when the person dealing with a co-morbid disorder of addiction combined with mental illness can get necessary treatment from the medical community without feeling inferior or shamed by society, then things might change. When we can treat these people with empathy from a disease we call addiction, they may finally get the help they need.   

  

An open letter to yourself

I begin each day with a prayer and a deep message of kindness towards those in my life who struggle with self doubt and addiction. I'd like to share my message today. I hope this might help just one someone.
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Dear You,

Today it is time for you to be kind...to yourself. 

You are the only one who knows the parts of you that need kindness the most, and for this reason, only you can provide this kind of deep kindness that you so need.

Try to be kind to the weak parts of yourself. Be kind to your addictions and your frailties, your mistakes and all of your human parts. Rather than treating these parts of yourself with hatred and disgust, please just take hands with these parts and say, "I am with you, we will make it through this." 

Even though you have stumbled and fallen SO MANY TIMES, today you can choose to put your arm around the broken parts of you. Today, you can look inward and try to heal the deep wounds and cracks in your heart and soul by treating each hurt with care and love. You can do this. 

Just try,  -- just try. BE KIND to ALL of you. Let YOU know that it's gonna be ok, that you are gonna love YOU no matter what as you work through all of this. 

You are so deeply loved.

xx

*inspired by BGC message 1-14-16

Year end recap

2015 has been such an interesting year, a powerful year, and at the end looking back, a year of tremendous growth. Last year at this time, I had a strong inner message, which is challenging to explain. Suffice it to say I listened, and the message I received was this:  

"wait. be calm. be open. release control. trust the process. just trust"

So I chose the word Trust for my guide word for 2015. And Trust was my mantra for the entire year. When I didn't know what to do, I just waited and I trusted. When things were powerfully tough, I prayed for guidance. And because control is hard for me to release, I prayed a lot. I began praying very specific prayers. I mean I told my Higher Power exactly what I needed, laid out like a text book. Lol, well, a short text book. Really, one can only take so much, right? Even Higher Powers.

When things fall apart, it is normal and natural to grab on and hold as tight as possible to what was.... "What was normal? Give me that back! What used to feel right? I am gonna need that now like my life depends on it. This new reality? Oh man, it sucks BIG TIME. Can I do this? Nope. No, really, I can't."

But, guess what? We can. We can look this new reality in the face. Even though it's the shits... it's real, it's life, and we are living it. Today, we may need to lay low, and even tomorrow too. But eventually, I am gonna need to pick myself up, and look at myself in the mirror. I am gonna have to acknowledge those new lines around my eyes, and the fact that I have cried myself a hundred tears. I am gonna have to take things slow, and give myself grace, treat myself with the sort of kindness I'd use to treat a tiny baby bird. Because when our soul goes through a thrashing, and we find we are in a million shattered pieces, we are the only ones who can pull ourselves back together again. And the first step in doing this is to look at what the heck is really going on - with wide open eyes.

Trust took me in and took me deep. Deep to myself, to my core. And I soon realized that I could do this. I could trust myself to know what to do in the darkness. I could guide myself and family towards a better way, towards a brighter path. But I could never have began properly without establishing an inner relationship with Trust... in my HP, trust in myself, and learn to release the need to control. Whew. It's been a big lesson for me.

And about those specific prayers.... They have been answered in very big, very evident ways. Ways that have blown my mind, and ways that show me my HP is listening to me carefully and closely. So, yeah. Me and my HP, we have reconnected on the basis of Trust. It is so, so very good!

Happy New Year to you and yours. I will be back to let you know what my word and intention is for 2016. It is formulating, I can feel it. And I know it's going to be another awesome year! For me, my husband and both my sons. I can feel it in my bones :o)

PS. And that last post I wrote six months ago? I look at things differently now. I think my husband and I are pretty dang great parents. And we are doing the best we can raising our two boys. The main thing is learning to take care of yourself first. Then, things do actually magically fall into place. Funny how that works.

No Drama Allowed

My husband and I suck at raising teenagers.

There. I said it. 

It's dang true, and I somehow knew this way back when I was a teen, and even though I don't think I was THAT BAD, I did think my brother and sister were. Bad. They were bad on a badness scale. Especially my brother. He was a 9.5... He caused my parents real grief. I know it wasn't his fault, or any of our fault, but my parents split up when my brother and sister and I were teens. 17, 15 and 14 to be exact. And then here was my little brother. He was only 4. It was sad, so sad.

And, I made the decision then that I wanted no part of it. No teen drama in my life. Ever.

Well, that didn't stop my baby making hormones... Though it sure made me think about it. A Lot.

And, now, here we are. With a 19 year old and a 17 year old. Two boys. And the drama? Oh, it's big, it's fat, it's huge. Truly fine drama. Stuff you can write a book on. Good, juicy stuff here. Seriously, any writer stumped on a topic? Get with me. I will give you more than you bargained for. Really. 

I'm trying hard to keep the drama down to one event a day. I can't take much more than that. I used to think that one event a week was too much. That was a few weeks ago. Now, I just start my day with a full on bargain with God. 'Please PLEASE let today be calm. Serene. I need serenity.' And those roommate ads that say "No drama"? (Cause I've been looking at them and dreaming of my son moving out. Yep, I admit it)  I get that. I'm gonna make a sign for my front and back doors, and extras to post all over the house. NO DRAMA ALLOWED. I wonder if that will make a difference? God, I hope so. Please, anything... 

Last week, I met a woman at an out of town class I took. She wore a shirt that her kids had made for her. It said, "Honey Badger Whisperer" I got it. I am an Epic Honey Badger, and I don't give a sh*t, and she and I knew instantly the similar ropes we pull as parents who don't take teen BS. She told me we will get through this, and we will survive. Somehow, doubtfully, I pray for it to be so.

And today's drama? Let's just call it, How my husband chewed out the pot delivery guy for even thinking to come to our house to deliver pot. And how I took photos of him AND his license plate. Medical marihuana, legal smeagle, my ass. Don't you ever come 'round here no more.

So, thanks for listening. I had to get it off my chest.

In community, part 2

Watercolor by Val Hebert, Quote from Cinderella

In my last post, I made a great deal of progress in my attempt to reconcile the discord in my own head between the NAMI approach and the AL-Anon approach towards living with someone with a co-occurring disorder, often referred to as a dual diagnosis. In fact, I wrote at length about supporting the notion of living in community with a loved one who may be mentally imbalanced and using drugs, and helping them find a way back to healthier living and integrating into society. 

Well, as things panned out- and oh yes, how they pan out when dealing with a co-occurring disorder - I might have to change up my thinking on this. Or, at least, I have to add one caveat:

When making the choice to live in community with those who suffer from a co-occurring diagnosis, it is very wise to make sure the person or people involved are stable*.  

I am not ready to talk about the whole story, but suffice it to say it involves an previously unknown mentally deranged person wielding a golf club, a stabbing, jail, lawyers and courts, charges dropped, community mobilizations, teens staying in my house and being kicked out of my house, angry nasty parents of one teen, the disillusion of the aforementioned "Community", three house moves within a six week period, and more. The drama was unbelievable. Basically, another new chapter in a book that I am somehow supposed to write. I think the book's title will be: "XXXXXXX- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx". (I decided to hide the name because I like it, and might really need to use it one day).

Yeah... that "in community" thing? it can take down the whole damn family. And fast...

But, there is a good outcome to things that went down too. I think I will save that for the next post.

Thanks for listening,
Val

*stable, meaning they are taking their meds, seeing their doctors, and on a positive path.

In community

Ugh... those dang 'shoulds'...

The honest truth is that when you are walking the path of being a parent to a teen struggling with a co-occurring disorder (read more here) - in our case, addiction and a history of severe depression and possibly bipolar, you pretty much want to know anything and everything about how you can help them deal with this situation. The other side of the coin is that you yourself need help dealing with situation, as well as any family member living under the same roof. It is a very tough situation. It has been my experience that helpful information is at best inconsistent, not readily available, and often contradictory.

I am particularly interested in how we can help people return to us once they've opened the Pandora's Box of addiction. Pretty much all of the past research I have done has either been along the Al-Anon approach, which states you need to be harsh in order to be kind, and should tell them that if they are unable to follow your rules, they will need to leave, in hopes they may "reach their bottom" and make the choice to turn themselves around. Or, the NAMI approach, which states the addict is dealing with a co-occurring mental illness, and sending them away to "reach their bottom" will likely mean drug use will undoubtably increase, and you may lose them altogether.

Both of these approaches contradict each other. It is incredibly frustrating and difficult to determine the best course of action to take when you are standing at this particular crossroad. I, for one, can tell you I lay awake nights pondering these two scenarios, and fretting about which scenario is the right one to enforce.

So it was with great interest that I came upon this article on understanding addiction, based on the book, Chasing The Scream, by Johann Hari. For once, a solution has been presented to me that makes sense whether you are dealing with straight addiction, or the situation of a person with a co-occurring disorder.

What Mr. Hari endorses in his writings is about taking a more compassionate approach towards the addicts in your life. Instead of turning them out of the family, and shunning the whole of them as a society, the way to evoke true and lasting change is by bringing them back into the communal fold, offer them jobs and life purpose, in short, help them to feel a part of a happy community, and they will have reason enough to stop using drugs, and become involved within their community.

Hari discusses a study by Professor Bruce Alexander, which challenges the idea that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In face, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. "It's not you. It 's your cage." Do you remember the study from the 1970s where they put a rat in a cage and offered it plain water verses cocaine laced water? Invariably, the rat would choose the cocaine water, and use it until it died. The main failing in this study is that the rats were alone in the cage. The rats who used cocaine until they died were isolated and alone.

"The rats with good lives didn't like the drugged water. They mostly shunned it, consuming less than a quarter of the drugs the isolated rats used. None of them died. While all the rats who were alone and unhappy became heavy users, none of the rats who had a happy environment did."

If you, like me, are still struggling to find your way through this addiction maze, and you still believe that addiction is caused by chemical hooks in the brain, this new theory throws a monkey wrench into that way of thinking. But, looking at Bruce Alexander's theory puts a different spin on things. Prof. Alexander talks about medical patients who are hospitalized and taking massive quantities of drugs to control pain. Even though the drugs they are taking are the purest form of addictive drugs, these patients can successfully wean themselves off the drugs, and then return home to the environment where they are supported. They do not become addicts.

If you still believe -- as I do (used to?) -- that addiction is caused by chemical hooks, this makes no sense. But if you believe Bruce Alexander's theory, the picture falls into place. 

The street-addict is like the rats in the first cage, isolated, alone, with only one source of solace to turn to. The medical patient is like the rats in the second cage. She is going home to a life where she is surrounded by the people she loves. The drug is the same, but the environment is different.

How do we interpret this? 

It seems the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.

Wow. Just wow. 

This makes sense to me. Shunning someone who is struggling, and turning them out often leads them towards hopelessness and, in my opinion, is a recipe for disaster. I understand that people are sometimes faced with no choice BUT to turn them out. When stealing, lying and manipulative behaviors are the norm combined with excessive drug/alcohol use, well, who can live with that? This is the time where boundaries can be used. Telling your loved one that you want to help them, but certain behaviors will not be tolerated in your home is key. 

Please stay tuned.... more on human connection and community, and how I am handling things in my own household coming up in my next post... (You can read the unexpected update here)

19 years... 1 day at a time

The post title sounds like someone has 19 years sober, but that isn't what I'm talking about. 19 years refers to the age of my oldest son. He will be 19 years old on April 24. Frankly, I am amazed and so glad that he is still here with us.... walking, talking, smiling, simply here - among the living.

19 years with my son... 1 day at a time... 

Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to be morbid. It's just that things have always been so precarious with him. From the day I went into preterm labor with him (week 21 of my pregnancy- only 1/2 way through a normal pregnancy), to getting him established at birth (born at week 36 - a true miracle after that crazy hospitalized medicated pregnancy to stop contractions), to learning about living with a little guy who calls the shots.... Man, he started this at birth, and it's just gone on since then.... Then to his teen years. These years felt defined by school failures - more on the part of the school system than my son, but he was the one who took the brunt of it all, self medicating began, then the lying and contradictions due to his drug usage, learning about a brain disorder due to the meds I was on during his pregnancy, his severe depression, and the kicker: suicidal ideation... Then, the necessity of sending him away for 3 years because his actions were more than what we could deal with as a family. Hard, hard stuff.

Three weeks ago, I drove up to San Francisco with my younger son and we pulled him out of a druggie apartment. He was strung out on God-knows-what... he'd dropped 30 pounds in the 6 weeks since we'd seen him last. He just looked so, so bad. He had a 42 year old woman who told me she was "in love with him." Okay. Time to get him away. Far, far away.

So, we loaded him into the car, and brought him home. And I guess things are going ok.... First week was the "at home detox", the second week was formulating a plan because using drugs at home isn't gonna happen. The third week (this week) finds him with a job (hooray!) and beginning an adjustment to his medications due to Genomind testing. I can't say that things are all rosy. But I can say that I am setting boundaries, and he is trying hard to work with me. It's definitely not easy, and things are one day at a time. The biggest change, I believe, is within me. Making the choice to work with him in finding a way towards a solution. He is working with us. He is trying to move forward. He will be 19 tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Drew. I love you so much....
xx, Mom

Dream big

Do you dream big? I hope you do! I do dream really big, or at least I try to dream big within reason. Though I wish otherwise, my dreams don't often come true. Take this car, for instance. I've been dreaming BIG about this specific car since I was 16 years old. Shoot! I still don't have it! 

When it comes to a family member's addiction, the dreams can get vivid and downright demanding. At times, I've felt like I would happily deal with the devil just to make this problem of addiction for my son go away. Thank goodness the devil part of this dream hasn't come true. That's one someone I would NOT want to be indebted to! For the record, I am still waiting on the addiction relief part of this dream to come true...

One thing I have learned is that it's okay to dream, and it's okay to ask for what you want to happen. At least in the asking, you are essentially putting your wishes "out there", and if you believe in a higher power, then certainly your wishes will be heard. Here's what the "letting go" portion of the equation looks like for me. 

I ask, and then I get quiet. 

I dream, and then I wait.

I speak my intentions, and then I sit still. 

Ok, I am still sitting still. Still waiting, Still quiet. And in these moments, I am trying to care care of myself. Trying to do what makes my heart happy. Trying to get going in the Studio, and get something done... Trying not to let my thoughts wander over to roller coaster land... (sigh).

Some days it's downright hard. Some days I fail miserably. Usually those days find me reaching out to friends for supportive help. I step out of my regular life with no notice, and hightail it to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. I can be found with my nose glued to my Al-Anon literature, I lose myself in prayer and meditation. These are the things that help me get through the tough days. 

What else helps? I regularly lead meetings at my local Al-Anon meetings. This past weekend, I completed a three day training workshop to become a Family To Family instructor with NAMI. (Learn more here) Reaching out to others who are struggling is also extremely helpful. It grounds me and takes the focus off myself as I reach out to others who are dealing with a similar situation. The other benefit is those people are there for me when I am struggling. 

Today, my son is ok... He left his recent treatment program two weeks ago, and is living with some people he met at the program. He is experiencing the first freedom he's been allowed to have over the last 3 years (with the exception of the 2 months he came home in 2013). He is navigating "life", he says he is taking his medications, he is looking for a job... he met with his new psychiatrist successfully. He says he is staying off drugs, proclaiming he wants to get his life on track, and doing drugs will not take him to where he wants to go. So, that all sounds positive and good. It seems like he is telling the truth... I hope he is....

Really, I just want him to be healthy and safe...

Ok, please excuse me while I get quiet over here.

xx

New Year, New You

Happy New Year!  

Wow, 2015. Time sure flies when you're having fun. And even when you're not, it manages to pass by, day into day, night into sleepless night...

My nights have been pretty sleepless lately, but I've been using the wee hours to try to bring focus and goodness into my head and heart, and not allow myself to be consumed by grief, worry, and thoughts built of obstacles. It's a process, and I find it takes focus and lots of practice. 

Which leads me to an important intention: my word for the new year.

My word for 2015 is going to be Trust. 

I have already been practicing Trust a lot. So, at least I don't feel like this is a new ball game. But I am going to intentionalize Trust. (Is that even a word??!) I'm going to take Trust even deeper into my heart, I am going to wear Trust like a cold winter coat, and wrap it around me extra tight. I'm going to bundle up with Trust the first minute I wake in the morning, and I'm going to pull it over me when I get into bed at night.  And in the middle of the night, when all seems dark and cold, Trust is going to make it all ok. I just know it will. I'm going to Trust the process... Trust that my goals, projects, and directional paths will be shown, that I recognize them when they show their faces to me, and TRUST that I will know intuitively how to navigate the pathways that I find myself on. 

And, as I continue to Trust, goodness pours forth... just like the wings of a bird...

More of my needle felted goodness can be found over in the Studio

Happy New Year, Happy new you, Happy new me. I'm Trusting it!

xx

Making it through the tough stuff

Art by Pamela Zagarenski, and can be found here

Recently, on my other blog, I wrote about a hectic amount of "life" I had managed to accomplish in August. It was one of those "scheduling" sort of months, where there is so much going on that it seems like the only way you can make it through the day is with a detailed list. Do you do that too? Only, for me, it was a list that had to carry me through a whole month! Whew, life sure was busy during August! But the important thing is that I made it through, and I even managed to enjoy myself during all that action.

I reflect back to a year ago when life was frantic, unpredictable, and had become unravelled. Days went by where I was not able to concentrate on anything, much less make a list. Our 17 year old son had just been plucked off the streets, hospitalized in cardiac arrest, and ultimately sent off to yet another rehab more than half way across the country. It would only be ten more days until his suicide attempt by hanging. The mayhem and crushing blow of how his addiction and resulting mental illness (or visa versa) took all of us down was like being hit by a tidal wave. Only, there was a small sense of seeing it coming... For the past 2 short months, we had been watching him unravel before our very eyes after returning home from 18 months in rehab. 

How do we make it through the tough stuff? How do we keep our wits about us when life gives us more than we can handle? How can we stay in a place of calm determination instead of retreating in fear?

Last week, I heard Brian Williams on the nightly news reporting from his home state of New Jersey, specifically Camden – a city he called the most dangerous in America. In the report, he interviewed J. Scott Thomson, Chief of the Camden County Police Department who said this:

“This city has the most resilient people you will ever meet. All they needed was something they could hold onto, something they could trust.”

In this city, said to have the highest crime rate in the country, Chief Thomson was part of a team who helped give them something to hold on to – hiring over 200 new cops, sending them out on bikes and foot patrol, organizing kids vs. cops basketball games. Chief Thompson was in the process of rebuilding hope and trust in Camden, and it was just what the townspeople needed. They need a leader to take them to a place where they can turn away from fear, find trust, and get busy getting back to a place of normalcy.

I have spoken about leaning in to the fear before. Even if we don't have a Chief Thompson in charge, it IS possible for us do it on our own. Here is how we make it through the tough stuff: We arm ourselves in the best way possible. We find a way to hold onto ourselves. 

Do we need more sleep? Take a quick nap before doing one. thing. more. Are we starved for self-soothing? Maybe it's time we take ourself out to lunch at our fav place- just you and me all alone, baby! A table for ONE! Maybe we are feeling shabby and unkempt.. (ugh, I have been there and it's not pretty!) I bet we can buy ourself something pretty that will lift our spirit... even if it costs less than $5. It's okay to do this. Really. I promise. But, maybe we are feeling so broken in spirit that we can't even begin to do anything for ourself. <Big hug to you> Do you have access to buying an app? I recommend Jesus Calling. Even if you aren't particularly religious. It works wonders for the soul. Here's the link to the daily reader app, and here's the online blog where the daily readings are posted, and the Facebook page can be found here. It's a great way to get quiet inside your soul, so you can get in touch with the deepest part of your heart, and what it is telling you. Oh. So. Important. Because your heart will be a Chief Thompson for you, and gently guide you back to a place of trust. 

Keep pressing on, Friend. This troubled day will not harm you. You have been through trouble before and you will get through this too. Take a deep breath, and give that trouble a big hard look. And tell that trouble that it will not get the best of you today!

xx

Val

PS. The other thing we can do is to needle felt. It has worked wonders for me!!!

HUGE Win #4 against my insurance company thanks to the Mental HealthParity Law

Each time our insurance company denies my son the care he needs, and I decide to report them to the CA State Insurance Commissioner for an inappropriate denial, I am stronger and more sure of myself. My immediate cause is more concretely etched in my mind, my words flow more smoothly, and my mind is keen to use any and every possible weapon to support my cause that I can.

My cause is a powerful one. I am a mom fighting for her son's life.

Fortunately, (and in the mysterious ways of the world, plus a caring friend's suggestion), it was put upon my path early in 2014 to attend a NAMI support class with my husband (learn more by clicking here). NAMI stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which is an organization that provides the most up-to-date information on mental illness research and findings. My reasons to explore NAMI were many, but primarily to unite together as a family to be able to best support our son with his terrible depression, and addiction issues. We learned so much from this Family to Family group of classes, connected with others who were going through similar trials with loved ones, and found a new tool box for being able to relate to our son. Also, we found better ways to support our younger son during the regular upheavals our family was going through then, and continues to go through to this day. Our NAMI classes lasted for twelve weeks. We also attended a yearly event put on by NAMI called the "NAMI Walk", where we connected with local organizations offering even more support for families dealing with mental illness, and similar disorders of the brain. Powerful, powerful stuff...

So, NAMI is who I credit for fortifying my head with a whole armory of information that supports individuals with mental illness. This is where I learned about the Mental Health Parity Law.

The Federal Parity Law, which, beginning January 1, 2014, was amended and expanded under the Affordable Care Act. The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008 applies to most all forms of health insurance, and states the health plan should provide all medically necessary treatments for severe mental illnesses, including necessary residential care. Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity information sheet as put out by SAMHSA can be found here.

There was absolutely no reason my son should be excluded from receiving the care he needs, for as long as he needs it. And, even though our insurance plan only covers 100 days of residential care each calendar year, the Mental Health Parity Law allowed for my son's residential care coverage BEYOND the 100 day mark! The cost of residential therapeutic care is so incredibly high, and when a family has basically gone bankrupt due to the high cost of this type of care in an effort to help a family member, it is a huge relief that there are government regulated systems in place so a family can get some sort of a financial break. Our cumulative savings for six months of care at this center were just shy of $100,000! That's ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Wow. Just Wow.

These Laws and systems are available to everyone. Every state has a reporting agency for inappropriate actions taken by insurance companies. If your insurance company denies mental health or addiction coverage for a family member, even if your coverage does not specifically cover that type of care, you can fight this denial! Do not be afraid to ask questions, and stand up when things are not right. I never went into this being a whistle blower. I just know the difference between right and wrong. And, who will stand up for my son, his needs, and his rights, when he cannot do it on his own?

My next step? Becoming involved with NAMI in order to advocate for youth who struggle with Dual Disorders of the brain. I want to support these struggling teens and help their families navigate this difficult road. I am ready. I am willing. I will do what I can.

* To read more about the steps I took to fight my insurance company, please read this post: http://themominthearena.blogspot.com/2014/02/how-i-went-up-against-our-insurance.html?m=1